How I would like to live

 

Life in the city, in my hometown, in Bratislava.

It’s March, and it has already been half a year since I decided to stay in Slovakia for a while, to calm down here and find out whether I would like to, or could, live here. Many people of course ask me why I came back, but unfortunately my life in the Netherlands was no longer fulfilling me — even though I was paid better there, had amazing friends, and the possibilities for activities and experiences were simply much bigger. What I originally went there for (a relationship) no longer existed (at least not in the form it had during the first two years), and so I felt that I was only suffering and pushing something that had already died — that dream of a life I had and wanted to build.

Before I came back to Slovakia, I spent two months in Portugal, because deep inside I believed that I wanted to live there. At that time I didn’t realize it, but somehow it wasn’t working — I didn’t know why, but I couldn’t create a life for myself there, especially from the material side — where to live and what kind of work to do. Even though there is a community around the ashram where I lived, the ashram itself was not my home (even though I always fit in there very easily, within the community). Something there wouldn’t let me stay, it just didn’t flow, and when I pushed myself (which I like to do), anxiety came so strong that I could hardly breathe. So I realized that this was not the path either.

So Bratislava — home, living in my small room where I spent the first 27 years of my life (yes, some people leave their parents at 18, but I am a bit of a mommy’s child 😁). Of course it has many advantages and many disadvantages, but still better than living with random roommates. It has stability and safety, and the possibility to give myself time to realize what my next direction is.

And that is what has been happening in the past months. It’s actually quite shocking how it has been unfolding gradually. I stopped working full-time because I thought that by January I would already know where I wanted to live, but also that I would have a different job by then — something that would at least somewhat enjoy and where I would use my qualities and abilities. But I stopped somewhere along the way, and slowly I started realizing that I was isolating myself from people. Or when I went out, I would later feel so exhausted, unfulfilled and almost unhappy. So I closed myself at home and focused only on self-education and looking for work. But of course that wasn’t enough — we are social beings and we learn from each other, we enrich each other through experiences (pleasant or not). So I returned to therapy and slowly I am realizing that I was trying to squeeze myself into the idea of who I was when I lived here in this room, in this apartment, in this city and in this country ten years ago. My friends who have known me for 15–35 years love me (as I love them), but I experienced something completely different — I lived somewhere else, with different kinds of people, dealing with different everyday realities. And so I was actually unhappy, inauthentic, and I didn’t know what to do next.

Now, after the last month of therapy and realizing my own lack of authenticity toward myself and others, it came to me that my dream of living in Portugal is not about the country at all. It is about what I experienced there — what I allowed myself to experience there: freedom, community, devotion, humility, service, travelling, hills, the ocean, greenery, joy of life, closeness, authenticity, love, partnership, peace in the soul and trust in tomorrow. And only today I realized that THIS is what I am looking for in life — and therefore also here in Bratislava. And this is HOW I want to live every day of my life.

It is a very relieving realization and at the same time a demanding one, because I know I will not live like this tomorrow. That this will not change with one decision or one step. It is the sum of hundreds of small decisions every day — from how I decide to begin each day, with what thought, through what kind of work I will look for, through where I will live, all the way to how I will speak my inner truth to people when I find myself in situations where I don’t feel good.

To be authentic is a constant reconnection with my inner self and with what is alive there at that moment. Sometimes I am afraid to look there, because I don’t know what I will see, and I will “have to” admit it and face it, maybe even show it to the outside world (very scary). But it is the only way to truly live the life I wish for. To live knowing that I make mistakes, that sometimes I am tired, angry and behave badly toward others, that sometimes I am selfish and don’t want to do something for others, that sometimes I am simply sad and cry. Living with myself is actually the most beautiful thing I can give myself in this life — and the only thing that will remain for the whole life (and hopefully even after it).

With love,

Bhavan