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A Moment of Happiness

  What is it actually, when we say: “I wish I could be happy”? I’ve just realised how long I lived under a false idea of what happiness was. Just a moment ago, I experienced a beautiful moment of complete happiness, and it moved me to tears. To be honest, I didn’t even really understand what was happening. I only realised it later — or rather, I only found a name for it later. In that moment, I was simply living it, without knowing that it was a moment of happiness. For my body and my mind, it was simply a beautiful moment — I felt good, wonderful, and grateful to be alive. And what caused it? Nothing! No big event, no falling in love (unless you count that love for life I was feeling), no success at work or in my relationships, no major change. In fact, just an hour earlier, I had been feeling quite low. My self-confidence had taken a little hit, but I was aware of it, and I allowed myself to actually feel it. I didn’t let my mind decide whether it was true that I wasn’t good enou...
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Moment šťastia

  Čo to vlastne je, keď povieme: „Prajem si byť šťastná/šťastný“? Uvedomila som si práve, ako dlho som žila v omyle, čo je šťastie. Práve pred chvíľou som zažila nádherný moment úplného šťastia, až ma to dojalo. Popravde, ani som veľmi nechápala, čo sa deje, uvedomila som si to až neskôr - alebo lepšie povedané, až neskôr som to pomenovala. V tom momente som to proste žila, a nevedela som, že je to moment šťastia. Pre moje telo aj myseľ to bol jednoducho moment - bolo mi príjemne, nádherne a bola som vďačná, že žijem.  A čo to vyvolalo? Nič! Žiadna veľká udalosť, žiadna zamilovanosť (ak teda nerátam tú lásku k životu, čo som cítila), žiadny úspech v práci, vo vzťahoch, žiadna zmena. Vlastne hodinu predtým som sa cítila sklesle. Moje sebavedomie dostalo trošku "na frak", ale bola som si toho vedomá a vlastne som to precítila. Nenechala som svoju myseľ rozhodnúť, či je pravda, že nie som dosť dobrá. Proste som precítila ten smutný pocit, že nie som taká dobrá, ako som si mysle...

I Am Traumatized!

  I Am Traumatized! This is hard to admit — or is it? Or is it just another form of victimhood that I can hide behind while avoiding responsibility for the decisions I made that maybe weren’t that great? I think both are true, and honestly… I’ve done both 😄 Okay, I’m not proud of it, but I want to write about something else now. About how deeply uncomfortable it is to admit to myself that I am traumatized. I don’t know about you, but I always imagined trauma as something that happens after a huge life event that happened to someone else — war, losing your whole family, a car accident, losing your husband after 30 years of marriage, etc. But my own life always seemed “ordinary” or “normal” to me. What happened to me happens to many people around me, and they don’t see themselves as somehow broken or strange. They just continue living without feeling… DIFFERENT. So I often found myself wondering: “Why am I the weird one?” It’s difficult for me to write this, mostly because I grew up...

Som traumatizovaná!

Som traumatizovaná! Toto je ťažké si priznať - alebo nie? Alebo je to forma obete a môžem sa za to skrývať a skrývať svoje rozhodnutia, ktoré neboli "až také skvelé"? Myslím, že oboje je pravda, a popravde! oboje som robila 😄 Ok nie som na to hrdá, ale teraz chcem písať o niečo inom. O tom, aké je to naozaj nepríjemné priznať si, že som traumatizovaná.  Neviem ako vy, ale ja som si traumu vždy predstavovala len po nejakej veľkej udalosti, ktorá sa niekomu (podotýkam NIEKOMU) stala v živote - ako vojna, strata rodiny, autonehoda, strata manžela po 30 rokoch manželstva,...etc. Ale svoj život som považovala za taký "obyčajný" či "normálny". Veď to, čo sa stalo mne, sa deje veľmi veľa ľuďom v mojom okolí a tí, sa nepovažujú za nič viac a proste žijú ďalej, bez toho aby sa cítili nejak DIVNE. Takže mne sa často v hlave rodilo:  "Prečo som ja divná?" Ťažko sa mi toto píše, hlavne, kvôli tomu, že som vyrastala v prostredí, kde terapia bolo hrozné slovo...

How I Want to Live

  Life in the city, in my hometown, in Bratislava. It’s March, and it has already been half a year since I decided to stay in Slovakia for a while, to calm down here and find out whether I would like to, or could, live here. Many people of course ask me why I came back, but unfortunately my life in the Netherlands was no longer fulfilling me — even though I was paid better there, had amazing friends, and the possibilities for activities and experiences were simply much bigger. What I originally went there for (a relationship) no longer existed (at least not in the form it had during the first two years), and so I felt that I was only suffering and pushing something that had already died — that dream of a life I had and wanted to build. Before I came back to Slovakia, I spent two months in Portugal, because deep inside I believed that I wanted to live there. At that time I didn’t realize it, but somehow it wasn’t working — I didn’t know why, but I couldn’t create a life for myself t...